Predicate Baseball, Week 4

Week Four seems to have brought out the big guns in the Predicate Baseball League.

The Suicide Squeezes were overtaken by the Monkey Grinders 8-5, but managed to stay in the game with powerful performances by Cleveland catcher Victor Martinez and 2 sterling outings by Brewers pitcher Chris Capuano. Still, it was not enough to stop the Grinder's resurgent stars Barry Bonds and Curt Schilling.

The Mind Killer and Plutocrats nearly split, taking nearly equal numbers of batting and pitching categories to give the Mind Killer an 8-6 victory. The difference may have been the MK's star pitcher Chris Carpenter of the Cardinals, who pitched a fantastic 13 innings, picking up one win, a mere 2.08 ERA, and 6 strikeouts.

Your Commissioner's Los Angeles Devils took another beating this week at the hands of the Headbangers, who pulled ahead narrowly in a few categories and soundly defeated the Devils in others. Both teams turned in a true team effort, with most players performing well if not spectacularly (with the possible exception of Mets releiver Billy Wagner who earned three saves for the 'bangers), but in the end it was the lovers of metal who came away with an 8-5 win.

And now, we come to the part where it gets a bit ugly. Where there is pain. Where somebody got whacked.

First to get destroyed were the formerly indefatigable Cubs, who got their shiznit handed to them by the Sparkly Knee Sox. The Sox were able to combine for an impressive 50 hits to overtake the ailing Cubs, who recently lost first baseman Derek Lee. The Sox also benefited from 15 near-perfect innings from Detroit starter Kenny Rogers as well as the painful beatings of the Cubs Scott Eyre and Carlos Zambrano. When the dust settled, the glittery ones defeated the immature bears 10-4.

It was all about pitching for the Middletown Mediocres, who demolished the Hooligans 12-2. The Mediocres managed to get 65 innings out of 15 pitchers and any number of hits, runs, and RBIs out of 17 hitters. Grady Sizemore of the Indians put up a fight for the Hooligans, notching 9 runs and 8 hits, but in the end it was no match for the combined attack of the Mediocres.

Finally, the Infield Flies stuck a stake through the heart of The Show and laughed heartily, racking up a .305 team batting average and .523 slugging average along the way. Albert Pujols continued to display his prowess, homering three times along with Jermaine Dye, proving more than a match even for Moises Alou's 3 homers and 12 RBI's. The Show's pitching performance was largely, if not entirely, torpedoed by painful performances by the Twins' Carlos Silva and the Red Sox' Josh Beckett, who each gave up nine earned runs in 2.2 and 3.2 innings, respectively. In the end, the Flies came out on top with the largest margin of victory in Predicate Baseball to date, 13 to 1.

Next week: Will the Mediocres continue to trade in their entire team every week? Will The Show rebound to become one of the top-rated teams in the league again? Will the Los Angeles Devils lose, pitifully, to the team managed by your Commissioner's wife? Will Your Commissioner refuse to do the dishes or change the kid's diaper as a result thereof? Who can say what curveballs Predicate Baseball will throw our way next!