Secret Lyrics

Starship | Sara

Original: "Sara, sara, no time is a good time for goodbyes"

Edited and sung to a girl named Sara in the 4th grade: "Sara, sara, no time is a good time when you're around."

We were cruel little brats.

This is just an ordinary stentorian instrumental theme -- apparently known as the "CBS Enforcer Theme" -- very Brassy and Important-sounding, but after listening to it so many times my brain finally decided to give it lyrics:

"This is the muuuuu-siiiiic / The music of news!"

(As it happens, the theme is not only famous, it's used at affiliates around the country, although Chicago is where it originated. It's based off a song called "I Love Chicago, Chicago My Home".)

I always heard the ads for Cal Worthington's jingle, which was "Go see Cal, go see Cal, go see Cal" as "Pussy cow, pussy cow, pussy cow."

I learned later in life that I was not the only one with this problem.

"My boyfriend lives in hidden vall-ey"

My wife cracks up every time I sing that one.

One day in 8th grade, we were thrilled to hear the tale of the girl at the other junior high in town who had decided to have sex with her boyfriend in the woods outside the school, and had apparently found it more difficult than she had hoped, and was quite vocal about it, within earshot of enough of her classmates to become briefly famous.

Fast forward to some point in high school when I'm sitting around in.. a donut shop, I think... with a friend who went to said other junior high. And this girl walks in and he just about bites his tongue off trying to keep from laughing until she has left. And then proceeds to recount the above Amazing Jr. High Story chapter and verse, only this time providing me with an actual personalized protagonist. And apparently at Other Junior High there was a song:

Oh we're halfway there...
Oooooooh, with no underweeeeear..
Oh, we're halfway there
Ohhhh, pain's too much to beaaaaar.

Like I said, bad, bad, bad. But I can't hear that song without thinking of that revelation.

The fact that our assistant coach my freshman year in college was a stone Bon Jovi maniac and played Slippery When Wet on eternal repeat during all our workouts did not help.